Faster
by Lalage
Summary: His apologies were the worst part of everything that had happened. Future AU-ish.


I don't own anything having to do with Ben 10. If I did, the movie would be out already :)

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**Faster**

She had insisted on driving; her school was two hours out of the way and she said it would be silly for him to drive that distance to pick her up and then another 4 hours to get to Ben's. Kevin wasn't exactly happy (he hated not driving), but there wasn't much to do about the situation- she was still just as stubborn as always and she had made up her mind.

She drove up in her fancy multi-thousand dollar car with satellite radio and heated leather seats, which only made him want to roll around in the mud a few more times before climbing in beside her. She didn't even turn to make sure it was him next to her (not that she needed to look with her eyes to verify such a thing), just let her foot off the brake (she hadn't even put the car into Park) and started driving again. The surround speakers gently crooned classical music and he wanted to jump and scream and smash something so badly he had to settle on just clenching his teeth instead.

When she finally did speak to him, it was just to ask for the wad of cash in the glove compartment to pay for the toll. He slipped a few of the twenties into his pocket, but she didn't notice. Didn't notice... or didn't care. He wished he could make a funny remark about being a poor little rich girl or something, but he knew that if he so much as opened his mouth with the intention of saying something, a floodgate would open and words would flow out of his mouth like a river and he didn't have the energy to deal with that.

After about an hour, he started fidgeting and pulled a cigarette out of the carton in his pocket.

"Don't you dare." she said, "Not in my car."

He lit up anyway and she swerved into the breakdown lane.

"Jesus!" he snapped, "What the hell!"

"Put it out." he ignored her, "Put it out."

He looked at his watch, "We're already behind schedule."

"Put the damn cigarette out _right now_, Kevin!" she finally turned to look at him and he knew right away why she hadn't looked at him the entire ride. She realized her mistake and adjusted her hair to better hide her face.

He put the cigarette out. She reached into the backseat and pulled out a can of air freshener. He sprayed it for her. When she seemed satisfied, he put it neatly back in its place and they began driving again.

"Is there any way we can stop someplace so I _can_ smoke?" he asked.

"You said we were behind schedule."

He had said it to antagonize her and now all he wished was that he had put the stupid cigarette out the first time she asked.

She didn't want to stop because she had to pee and peeing meant getting out of the car and she never got used to the stares, no matter how much time had passed. Instead, she would hold it for the 3 more hours to Ben's house. As long as she didn't eat or drink anything, she would be fine.

"How are your classes?" he asked.

"Fine."

"What are you taking?" he asked, slower this time, wary of her sharp response.

"Stop trying to make small talk, please."

"I'm just trying to..." he wasn't sure what he was trying to do though. They hadn't seen each other in such a long time that there really wasn't a whole long to talk about that _didn't_ have to do with the 'good old days.'

"Whatever it is, stop it."

Several miles later, Kevin still hadn't figure out what he was trying to do.

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She never blamed him, which was the worst part. She never blamed him for being there, for _not_ being there, for being too slow, for being too fast, for caring too little and for caring too much; she never once blamed him for all the things he blamed himself for. Ben blamed him for everything and for once, he wished she would follow in her cousin's footsteps. Instead, she didn't say anything, just held him when he had nightmares in the middle of the night- and _she_ was the one in the hospital.

She held onto his hand while the doctors removed the bandages from her face; instead of looking into the mirror, she looked at him, to see what _his_ reaction was.

After he left, she cried. He had taken half a look at her before looking down at their grasping hands. He didn't say a word, but he didn't look at her either.

After she had finished drying her tears, she toddled over to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror.

---------

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

"We're stopping," she said, "But only for _exactly_ five minutes. If you can smoke one in that amount of time, then go for it."

He intended to smoke one _and _grab some grub in _exactly_ five minutes, he decided as they pulled into a highway-side rest stop with attached McDonald's.

She turned the car off and began adjusting herself; she pulled the hood on her XXL sweatshirt up and over her head before brushing her shaggy hair in front of her face as much as she could. She put a pair of sunglasses on and Kevin decided she looked like a skinny white boy who was about to try and rob the place more than a beautiful girl. Of course, even thinking that word- _beautiful_- it just hurt so _fucking_ much.

Taking a deep breath, she said, "Five minutes," as if more to herself to him.

Just the same, he softly echoed, "Five minutes," before she practically bolted out of the car.

He wasn't sure if she would want food too. He tried to remember what she always seemed to order from fast food places like this, and hated himself when he couldn't remember if it was the Veggie Burger or the 6-piece chicken tenders that she preferred. He settled on getting a little of everything on the menu, praying that might ease the tension between them, to let her know that he was sorry for being a jackass.

Six minutes later, he was out and hating himself even more for being late. He ran out as fast as he could to find her sitting in the car, clutching the steering wheel like it was her only hope for survival. She hated herself for waiting for him and for feeling like she didn't have a choice in the matter.

"I'm sorry," he said, tripping over his words, "The line wasn't long or anything, but I couldn't remember what you liked and I wanted to get some food for you and..." he continued talking, but she was too busy wishing he would apologize for something else to notice.

"I'm not upset," she said finally, once they were back on the highway. He was hopeful for half a moment, "I learned a long time ago to not depend on you for anything, Kevin."

------

It was a series of miscommunications, mostly on his part, that caused the blow-up. The worst part about said blow-up was that it was silent and deadly, not loud and explosive. Loud and explosive, he could deal with. Mind games and grudges, on the other hand... She tried to be understanding, she really did, but it was so hard when he couldn't even look at her and _she _was the monster now.

One day, she just stopped coming to the shop while he was working. Just stopped cold turkey, no warning, no prior signs (that he noticed anyway). When he asked her about it, she just said, "Oh, so you noticed?" and went back to her smoothie. Ben swung an arm protectively around her shoulder and Kevin felt like the little kid he used to be once more.

Her behavior got even worse as time went on and, like an idiot, he couldn't figure out why. The doctors said that with counseling and outdoor therapy, she would become _more_ comfortable with how she looked, not _less._ She started skipping her therapy and sometimes wouldn't emerge from her room for days- he only knew this because Ben would half-heartedly let him know. Ben was trying everything he could think of to cheer her up, to get her back to how she was. Scrimmages against rogue aliens were getting harder and harder without that third person and Ben was starting to think of asking someone to replace her. Kevin screamed that she would get better and that they needed to keep her spot open or she might feel weird about coming back and they needed to support her in this difficult time.

Ben yelled back that he needed to listen to his own advice.

Kevin ran away. He drove his car to her house (parking half-assed on the pristine grass lawn), marched right up to her front door and rang the bell. Her parents answered, of course, and he asked if he could please see her. They didn't know what was going on, so of course they conceded. He burst into her room to find her staring and picking at her face. She wasn't surprised to see him and didn't even flinch when he slammed her door closed.

"What's the deal?" he demanded.

She turned to him. He looked down at his feet.

"It's pretty gross, huh?" she asked softly, fingering the hollow socket where her eye used to be. She knew her new face by heart; scar tissue here, festering blister there, pus-oozing purple infection that would never go away exactly half an inch below her deformed ear.

"It's not bad," he mumbled, still looking at his feet.

"Uh huh," she said, "Please leave."

"You need to come back outside and, you know, do stuff," he mumbled, "Your stupid cousin wants to replace you."

"I suggested it," she said and before he could protest, she continued, "I'm not as useful as I was before. If I stay, I'll just hold you guys back."

"Fine," he said, "But at least come and hang out with us again," he noticed a new scuff mark on his tired old sneakers.

"Maybe."

He nodded and left.

A few days later, she was gone to some special pre-college college or something several states away. He tried to visit, but only made it half-way there when he realized, despite the burning, squeezing, suffocating, tearing, tears and _oh God, Gwen, please come back!_

This was probably for the best.

---------

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't apologize," she said.

"No," he said, thinking she didn't understand what he was apologizing for, "_I'm sorry_."

She did understand what he was apologizing for, "I said don't apologize... it's in the past."

"I still want to apologize," he said.

"That's the problem." She said and for a moment he thought he needed to clean out his ears, "You _always_ apologized. 'I'm sorry I wasn't there,' 'I'm sorry I failed you,' 'I'm sorry I ruined your life,' 'I'm sorry' this, 'I'm sorry' that." She looked at him for a moment before returning her eye to the road, "I never wanted you to apologize," she continued softly, "I just wanted things to be normal. But you... you just... all I was doing was reminding you of what you think you did wrong."

He couldn't breath, he couldn't think, any moment now he was going to pass out in her car and seem like an uncaring idiot and- he always cared about her. He thought that was what she wanted- to be loved and-

"When you and Ben had that accident," that's what she always called it, because that's what it was, "I... and I don't want you to think I'm selfish," he could never do that, "but I treated you the same. That's what you wanted- for things to stay the same. But the second something happened... to me..." crying with only one eye still felt unnatural, "You treated me like..." she pulled over to the side of the road, "You just... and that was an accident too! It wasn't your fault and I told you over and over and over but it was like you couldn't hear me!" she buried my face in the sleeves of her hoodie like they were both little kids, "And soon enough you stopped looking at me too! You just kept _apologizing_ but you never did anything different! Every time you looked at me with those sad, puppy-dog eyes you made me feel like it was _my_ fault for making you hurt when I was hurting too!"

She wasn't sure how long she sat there, crying. She hated crying. Even though she usually felt better after a good cry, it didn't solve anything- the same problem would still be staring her in the face when she dried her tears- Kevin would still be flabbergasted, like he didn't understand, he would still be _apologizing_ and she would still look like a wreck.

"Let me drive," he said. She nodded and crawled over to the passenger seat as he stepped outside to walk to the driver's side.

It was a weird feeling- she hadn't been driven around by someone else since... since she her accident. She had her license at the time and her parents bought her a car- this car- to try and make her feel better about the whole situation. Out of force of habit, she peeked at the speedometer- 61 mph on a 65 road. She looked at him to see what was wrong; he stared straight ahead and she could see a tinge of redness around his eyes. Her heart squeezed and she found herself growing angrier and angrier with him by the second. The speedometer needle stayed exactly on 61.

"Faster," she snapped.

"Huh?"

"Go faster. Did you lose your sense of adventure or something? Go faster!"

The needle crept up to exactly 65 and stayed there.

"What are you doing? Go faster!"

"This is the speed limit," he said.

"I have _never_ seen you drive the speed limit," she said.

After a few seconds, he understood and pressed harder on the gas pedal. The car surged forward and she readjusted herself in her seat. He looked at her- her eyes were closed and as his speed increased to 90, a small smile seemed to grow on her face, bigger and bigger until it stretched across her entire face.

"I got this deal a bit ago," he started, "I wasn't sure if I wanted to take it or not since it was kinda shady, even for what I do, but I'd get a whole lot more street cred if I took it." He continued to discuss the deal with as much passion and hesitancy that he showed so many years ago.

All the while, the smile stayed on her face as she imagined she was back in high school and her biggest concern was saving the world.

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AN- This is completely different from any fanfiction I've written before. I really wanted to try and show a certain level of codependency in their relationship- we only ever seem to get the impression that Kevin needs Gwen, not viceversa. I do believe that if something were to happen to Gwen that Kevin could blame himself for, he would and would just get stuck in this whole mindset that it was his fault and he was no longer worthy of her or something. So I hope you guys got that it's not that he gets disgusted looking at her, it's that seeing her reminds him of how he failed her. I really hope that was clear, haha. But like I said, this isn't like anything I've tried to write fanfiction-wise before and I hope y'all like it!


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